I’ve been super quiet of late, on my blog, on social media, and in real life. Part of it’s my usual seasonal hibernation and recharge.
But this Winter, there’s been something a little more.
I’ve been keeping a secret.
We’ve kept it under wraps for quite some time, from all but a select few family and friends. We’ve not shouted it from the rooftops, nor created any beautiful announcement. In fact, I’ve struggled to even get the words out to those we have told.
And it’s been strange, feeling this reticence.
It’s not because of some unwritten 12 week rule, or fear of things going wrong. I don’t believe in staying quiet when you need support the most. The first trimester is probably the hardest, and quite often the loneliest.
And it’s not because this baby isn’t wanted. Far from it. I’ve been quite open about our fertility struggles, and my yearning for more children.
I think it’s precisely because of our fertility frustrations, that I’ve found it difficult to speak about my pregnancy.
I’ve found it difficult to actually believe I am pregnant.
Despite the awful pregnancy sickness (another reason I’ve been so absent) and aching tiredness of running around after a two year old during your first trimester. Despite food cravings. Despite sore nipples. Despite all of the ways my body was telling me I was pregnant, I still couldn’t quite trust it.
It has failed me for so long. Month after month, year after year.
I never believed we could conceive without medical assistance. We had planned our FET for January.
We were ‘trying’ to conceive naturally while we waited. But I never truly believed.
You just stop hoping after a while.
I’d completely lost faith in my body.
I went into that first scan wondering if there would be anything there. If I’d made the whole thing up. Dreamt it. Willed it into some phantom existence. And I’d be found out, for the fraud I felt I was.
But there was a baby. There is a baby.
My body has done something amazing. All on its own.
As the flutters and pops become more frequent, as my belly swells and hardens, I’m starting to believe.
To wonder at this amazing body of mine.
What it can do. What it’s going to do.
We’re having another baby. A second little miracle.